When Else?

In this moment, when my fingertips finally get to let loose at the keyboard, I am slightly annoyed.

My hope was to have more time for this. I imagined these blissful moments, when I am free to take a breath, breathing in through my nose, out through my mouth - slowly, effortlessly, peacefully – all the while tapping away with something fierce and beautiful to write about.

Then the hour arrives. The kids are down, my tea is halfway finished, already chilled. Goodness, I even shut off the lights and lit a candle to try to set the mood. Nothing. Instead, I feel suffocated. Like something within me can’t breathe. My thoughts, they are squelched tonight. Why?

Is it the busy season? Is it because I have lacked the necessary alone time that every good introvert craves? Is it because my body is out of place, questioning why we’ve chosen to travel yet again, how many more flights to settled?

Today we are in the suburbs of Chicago, visiting my family for Thanksgiving. A few days ago we were in Minnesota with Michael’s family for a wedding, and a few days before that we were touring Costa Rica with two of my good friends who were visiting. We walked through treetops in the cloud forest, swam under the crashing waves of a waterfall, hiked over dried lava patches, drove over windy hills and potholes, and watched my little girl dance with butterflies. These last three weeks have been every bit magical as hectic.

And we continue to welcome the inconsistent nature of this season. Because when else. There is never a perfect time. “Let’s just do it” we said when we booked tickets to visit family this fall – because when else? With no regrets. Even in moments like this – when my thoughts can be hard to steady. It is in closing my eyes, and letting these newly formed memories jog my mind, trying my best to taste, smell, see, and live them once more – do I truly appreciate the magic of living a life with a little bit of crazy tossed in. It is worth the sometime naptime chaos. You know, that aftermath of cries that the strangers who compliment the manners of my two-year-old don’t get to see.

Earlier today I started to make a list – it is titled “Priorities.” Because now we are meant to be fully here, fully present with family, and we know that time will fly, and we may say, “Oh I really wanted to ….what was it again?”

Well, I’m grateful that it’s the beginning of our trip here and that the list is just forming. I’m grateful that I can post stream of consciousness and be happy. And I’m grateful that the ending to this blog has released something within me and erased whatever annoyances I began with. That is the magic of writing. That is the beauty of a candle lit in silence.