Perspectives in Movement

I’ve been on this track of transition for the last five years. Time spirals with continuous change; a marriage, a move, new job, and new baby. All requires a shift in perspective of my present identity.

Nearly five years ago Michael and I married in a suburb of Chicago. A month later, we packed our bags and started our life together back where we met in North Iraq. At the time, we had to take a bus to the border of Turkey, and cross over to Iraq by foot.

I remember the identity of “wife” so clearly prescribed to me in the transfer from one country to another. In that context, the new last name signaled complete dependency on my husband. Before marriage, I was single and freely roamed with dignity, treated as a foreigner, spoken to as someone with a purpose. At border patrol, I was asked questions without a second thought as to whether or not I deserved the attention.

Yet, this time, my first time as a married woman, it seemed, no one cared. I felt invisible – I was just a wife – a woman attached to a man. Someone incapable of posing any intelligent threat or even of holding a job. And that hurt a little. It jarred me more than I expected. The next few months, I aimlessly met with other women who were in my same predicament. Yet they embraced their identity, especially with children. But what is a wife without children to do in a foreign land?

That was the beginning of this lengthy journey of shifting perspectives. How much of what I do is attached to who I am? How much of who I am is attached to who I know? How much of where I am is attached to me? And what expectations are attached to the perception of who I am meant to be?

Today marks five months since Emma’s birth, and a little over two years of motherhood. The motherhood identity is one that continues to fill me with wonder. There are all types of mothers out there and expectations vary based on cultures and values. These days, there are so many subsets of groups that we can literally choose whichever voice matters to us, and follow suit.

I’ve been listening to a few motherhood podcasts that champion a mom who is fully engaged, great at cooking, and has a beautiful home that is set up just right for their children’s growth. I appreciate their honesty as they touch on the challenges of motherhood. Yet it seems just as quickly a rainbow is painted over the cloudy sky of a hard day.  How realistic is this type of motherhood life for me?

Michael asked me, is that what you want? I don’t think it is. Yet, what I do want has yet to be seen.

We are still in transition – with a trip to the States planned in October and again in November. The everyday is filled with enough movement. The time to ponder this new perspective of what it means to be a mother of two here, raising them well while holding fast to God’s design for this short life, is caught between rocking Emma to sleep and attempting to have Phoebe sit on the potty one more time (or mopping up another mess). So this is it. Another shift in perspective is taking place. It is not yet done – not yet defined. But we chug along and revisit the question when time allows - What does it mean to live our life well here and now? I wish I could say I knew the answer, but I think that is the fun stuff of life. It’s constantly shifting, and so are we. Expectations come and go and in the midst of it, we hope that somehow, we make a difference, a small splash in the pond – with that beautiful ripple effect.